christmas

its been a crazy fun blessed family filled christmas day spent with my parents and 5 siblings. i learned a lot. i learned my 11 year old sister is crazy funny and spits out one-liners like its her job. i learned it is entirely possible to put together a 1000 some piece castle thats 2 feet tall in under two hours, my 16 year old sister should be an engineer shes so darn good and designing stuff. and i also just learned that my little 14 year old sister likes screamo-type music. shes amazing. shes so hardcore. i basically want to be her when i grow up. yeah. the end.

oh, and merry christmas.

thoughts on christmas eve

a few weeks back it was 75 degrees in kentucky.

i had a little outing with myself, photographing.

the small river that had been a dry bed all summer was now full

and overflowing its banks because of all the rain we've had.

i was pondering the verse: Isaiah 11:1 (and those following)

"a shoot will come up from the stump of Jesse; from his roots a Branch will bear fruit"

i forget now why i was contemplating this verse, but when i looked closely to the ground

i saw this. it was most beautiful.

here is that river bed that was completely dry all summer long.

and this is what i saw when i looked up.

that shoot came up from the stump of jesse...his name was Jesus.

A shoot will come up from the stump of Jesse; from his roots a Branch will bear fruit.
The Spirit of the LORD will rest on him, the Spirit of wisdom and of understanding, the Spirit of counsel and of power, the Spirit of knowledge and of the fear of the LORD and he will delight in the fear of the LORD. He will not judge by what he sees with his eyes, or decide by what he hears with his ears; but with righteousness he will judge the needy, with justice he will give decisions for the poor of the earth. He will strike the earth with the rod of his mouth; with the breath of his lips he will slay the wicked. Righteousness will be his belt and faithfulness the sash around his waist. Isaiah 11:1-5

read the rest of this chapter. its good.

love.

your love captures my heart. your jealousy amazes me.

it leaves me breathless, yearning for more.

your love is patient.

your love is kind. it ruins me every time.

what can i say to you?

what can i say to you, the one my heart loves?

how do i chase after you. how can i stop chasing after you? you place a crown of pure gold upon my head then you command your loving kindness to chase me down

so i am holding on to love that i cannot see,

but i believe.

its real love. and its somehow got a hold of me.

i don't know what to do with myself. i cannot stop thinking about you.

you somehow got a hold of me.

im ruined. im ruined because of you.

fear

perfect love casts out all fear.

a lot of us are afraid because we don't know the love of our father.

we're afraid of man, because we haven't been gripped

with the reality that man can do nothing to us.

because we haven't been gripped with the reality of

God's perfect love for us.

because we haven't been gripped with reality.

grip us God, with reality.

with the reality of who you are.

of who we are.

in you.

twelve.seventeen.seven.

when i walked by my kitchen a few minutes ago,

i saw a canvas i am working on leaning against the wall where some flowers sit.

the colours are something like this. i am pretty much a fan of these colours.

these are the flowers i am talking about.

they are sitting on my counter right now. except they're
dying a little bit. i think they're more wonderful crumpled and falling
apart now then when i first got them.

twelve.fifteen.seven.

this is an image i had in my photography show recently.

it is a digital image of the photograph so its a pretty bad representation of the original.

i like it though. i think i like it so much because i almost didn't take it.

i often look at things and consider photographing them, but don't.

sometimes when i am quiet and my heart is silenced within me i think upon the lord and inquire of him.

often in these moments the still small voice speaks from within me and shows me something.

sometimes its something related to photography, mostly its not.

i've been learning to listen to this voice, because when i do that sweet life

that only the spirit can give is swept over me, and i am renewed and refreshed.

when that voice speaks to me about photography, it is a beautiful thing indeed.

the majority of my photographs are ones that i woud not have taken,

yet that sweet spirit spoke to me concerning them and i obeyed.

and now they have become visual manifestations of the invisible spirit that dwells within.

i took this when i was out photographying with my dad in leesburg, nj.

i named it paths.

twelve.thirteen.seven.

sometimes there just isn't anything to say.

crannied wall

"O my dove, in the clefts of the rock, in the crannies of the cliff,

let me see your face,
let me hear your voice, for your voice is sweet,

and your face is lovely." Song of Songs 2:14

flower in a crannied wall, i pluck you out of the crannies

i hold you here, root and all, in my hand

little flower but if i could understand

what you are, root and all, and all in all,

i would know what God and man is. -Alfred Lord Tennyson

fire

it seems a lot of homes in tennessee and southern kentucky have large white propane tanks sitting in their front yards. i thought, while driving back from tennesssee this morning, that just about every great action movie includes someone shooting a propane tank, and what an interesting sight it would be to watch one explode. i think i just like fire. good thing im a nice christian girl who keeps her zeal for fire restricted to candles and reading about it in the bible.

what do i want?

what do i want?

i want to find a quiet place in the wilderness, and i want to sit there, seeking out the face of the holy one until he comes and i know his fullness. and then when that happens i will never leave his presence. so basically God its a win win situation. you have me now, you have me later. you have me forever. my attention is yours. my heart and mind are yours. i give them to no other.

12.05.07

hidden

(a photo i found on flickr)

if i know who i am,

i must know who you are,

i am hidden in you

when you say arise, i will rise

when you said wait, i will wait

i will trust your leadership,

your thoughts are perfect, your ways are right

i will cast down these idols, perceptions

from my heart

of who i think i am, you are

i will not be offended

i will embrace all that you have written,

have spoken since the beginning of time,

my heart says yes,

my heart is yours,

forever.

Glory

I once had this dream. I was standing next to this encredible building. It was multiple stories high, was brick and had a bell tower. When I looked at it more closely I realized that it had huge gashes in the brick, and was crumbling and torn. It looked like it had been riddled with bullets, and other explosives. When I looked at the building it was as if I was standing in a black and white movie. The building had no color, nothing that would set it a part from another building. The curtains hung torn and stained out of the windows. The glass was broken out. The building looked like it housed many people at one time, however no one lived in it because it didn't look sturdy. The beds that the people slept in were falling out of the building and everything that once might have been bright and beautiful was now being overtaken by the earth. Vines grew everywhere, and they smothered anything that once looked bright and brilliant. The bell tower was still intact, but the bell itself appeared to be missing. As I looked at this building someone spoke these words to me so powerfully that it awoke me instantly and resounded in my ears and heart, even after waking. "You are no longer an orphanage, I will make you a kingdom."

I had forgotten this dream until today. Can I just say this. As Christians we ARE deserving and worthy of Christ's love, of his grace, mercy, justice, peace, and of fullness. We ARE worthy because he has made us worthy. It's time that we stop living in this mindset that we're just a bunch of orphans adopted by a king who live in some old burned out, beat up building because we deserve no better. We aren't beggars at a table eating scraps off the floor of our King. Yeah, we need to be humble and contrite in spirit, but we needn't beat ourselves over the head with sin and shame that isn't ours to claim anymore. It says in Colossians that we were KILLED and BURRIED with Christ, and now, ours is to live and be raised with him. We are slaves to righteousness, hidden in Christ, the Holy of Holies, we are one with him. As soon as we start realizing that we are Kings and Queens of the Most Holy One the better. Demons tremble at our prayers. They shutter and groan in pain at the sound of our words. The enemy is torn down, the principalities of darkness are destroyed at our command. Do you know that we will judge the Angels? The Most High God himself delights in us and calls us sons and daughters. He rescues us, FOR HIS OWN SAKE, because he freaking likes us a heck of a lot. What is this crap about not being good enough? What is this about not being worthy? We are apostolic messengers and the world fears ones as these. In Jeremiah 2, refering to rebellious Israel, it states "they have exchanged their Glory for worthless idols, and have become worthless themselves." Its interesting to note that Glory is written with a capitol G. Glory, as in the Glory of the Most High God. Glory, not of a little slave boy or girl, but real Glory, the kind that is perfect, the kind that comes from righteousness. As far as I know, we have been made righteous by the blood of the lamb. Therefore we aren't worthless, but we are beings having the imprint of God himself. If we don't believe this, how are we to believe anything? How are we to believe that our prayers even profit? How are we to believe that we will be trusted by God if we do not believe that we are ones that God would even entrust anything to?

Come on. Lets raise up Glorious people of the Most High God. Lets claim this inheritance, lets stand as priests, lets claim this kingdom, lets take it by force.

its been awhile..

sometimes, when i listen to sigur ros i like to listen to the words

in icelandic or whatever it is

and try to replace it with english.

the last few sentences that i came up with are:

"oh tears, oh tears, oh lie,

oh its yous, oh yous, oh lie

you sigh, why?"

somehow i don't think thats what they're saying, i think i'll just let them sing in their language and i'll just listen.

i'm feeling pretty uninspired.

i think i'll go look at some art and then come back.

oh for the beauty of the lord

in kindness you called me in love you allured me in compassion you rescued me in joy you delight in me in peace you calmed me in grace you saved me in prayer you interceed for me in love i chase after you in hope i reach up to you in joy i delight in you in salvation i come to you in prayer i am pulled after you the deep parts of me are burdened after the deep parts of you i am sick with love. father. love. instructor. king. wisdom. spirit. husband.

ruach

sometimes i find myself in a place that inspires me to create. my heart begins to beat a little faster, my breath quickens. my mind expands and the small insignificant thoughts buzzing around in my head fade. a deep cry within me is stirred and my hands itch to somehow recreate what my eyes and mind are processing. my soul shutters within me and a voice awakens that whispers back, "i love you too, lord." a pressure falls upon my heart threatening to break it. suddenly i see the big picture and my tiny significant insignificance in it. i see a flame burning brightly before me, offering justice, mercy, grace, joy, hope, love... i reach to take hold of the torch and hear a silent voice, "divine rights." what does that mean? what are divine rights anyway? did i really hear that, it doesn't make sense. "you have divine rights, claim my justice." the voice silently breathes again. suddenly the life comes, as his ruach is breathed into me, renewing mind, body, soul, spirit. dividing all with an invisible double edged sword. cutting bone from marrow spirit from soul. my mind clears. i see who i am. i create. it is beautiful.


surely the word of the holy one is living and active. sharper than any double-edged sword. when he speaks it penetrates. it divides. it creates. it destroys. it penetrates even to dividing soul from spirit, joint from marrow. it judges the thoughts and meditations of the heart. nothing in all creation is hidden from his sight. everything is uncovered and laid bare before his sight to whom we will give account. hebrew four.

broken.

sometimes for a split second i think i am strong. that i've got life figured out and can walk on my own. and then God reminds me of 50 other areas that i need to work on, that i've completely screwed up. and then i am broken at his feet again. overwhelmed by how horrible i am, and how holy he is. but he is gracious. he is wonderful. he is a gentleman. he answers when i ask. when i say "be real with me, be rough, be mean for once and tell me what i'm doing wrong" he does. he shows me. because then i always screw up big. i fall hard. and he's right there to pick me up. and he's always kind. he is always so freaking kind to me. he is never not kind. he is faithful. and i am a coward. i am a harlot wife. of all sinners, i am the worse. i am dark. yet, he still calls me lovely. i am so self centered. he denied himself. i am so cruel. he is so sweet. i am so fickle. he is steady and always strong. what the hell? why did he give up his throne in heaven to be with someone like me? why can't i accept it already and move on with life. why can't he be my primary focus, my dream, my aspiration, greatest hope and joy. why am i so distracted. will i ever be fully who he created me to be? when does this end. when will i know and understand the fullness of his love. when will i be empowered from on high. when will i stop believing the lies and start believing what you have said. when? for real, God. when?

not just a beggar on the streets.

i want to meet this man.

we'll wait and see...

ever witness something that inspires you to create? a song? a movie? a photograph? a conversation? ever hear one word that awoke something so deep inside of you that you forgot it was even there? i heard it said that you don't know where you're going, until you know where you've been. i think thats true. maybe. i once knew this girl. i think she's been afraid the majority of her life. she had to be strong, because the people that were supposed to be strong around her during the storm, weren't. she had to pretend she wasn't afraid in order to show them hope. when really, she never knew that hope was entirely there in the first place. she became a great liar. she mastered the art. all the while no one knew. they still don't. she didn't even know. until now. sometimes i think this girl is a hopeless wreck. sometimes i think shes going to take the world by storm. we'll just have to see.

who is blind...

something i found somewhere that i liked for today.

i hate spiritual pride. i hate spiritual competition. i hate it when i hear someone say that so and so doesn't have the gift of tongues so they must not be annointed. i hate it when someone criticizes someone else based on their prayer that maybe wasn't eloquent enouh. i hate when someone claims the name "christian" but denies its power. i hate self-promotion. i hate the "God has given me a word of wisdom and i am more empowered than you" mentality. For was it not God who foretold all things from the beginning? Is it not he who teaches us how to pray? How then can we take the words and claim them as our own, if it was he who spoke them from the beginning? ((Who told of this from the beginning, so we could know, or beforehand, so we could say 'He was right'? No one told of this, no one fortold it, no one heard any words from you. I was the first to tell Zion 'look, here they are!' I gave Jerusalem a messenger of good tidings." Isa. 41:26)) i hate it when people come up to me and tell me what spiritual gifts i have and that i should pursue them, as if spiritual gifts somehow exist as a seperate entity apart from the Father? If I am pursuing God wholeheartedly will not all these other things fall into place? What if I get in this place where someone tells me that i am to be a teacher, or a prophet, or an evangelist, or a intercessor, and i strive and strive after all these things...will I get anywhere? Won't I soon be right back to square one- weary, complacent, and more in need than ever to get back into the heart of God? YES! ((Who is blind but my servant, and deaf like the messenger I send? Who is blind like the one committed to me, blind like the servant of the Lord? Isa 42)) i hate pride. i hate it. i hate people today. i hate them all.

i think i need to get away from this place. i think i need to get away from all people. i think i need to move into a new season of fasting and prayer. i think i need to lock myself in a closet and pray for a new annointing. i think i need to be ruined again. i think i need to be destroyed again. i think i need to pray for more blindness. i think its time to move into this inside-outside upside-down kingdom. i think its time to do things differently, and take the back door instead of the front. i think its time to take the earth by storm. i think its time i start screaming "wake up sleepy" instead of just thinking it. i think its time to let my heart be moved in my chest cavity as a reflection of the desperation in my soul. i think its time to move into a new realm. i think i need newness. i think we all need newness. i think its time to get away from spiritual bondage. i think its time to be broken. i think its time to move. i think its time to be moved.

holy desperation

once i sat on the top of kresge roof. it was dark. i was scared. it was cold. the only light that i could see was the light the cross emitted from the water tower over on the field behind the luce. i was praying. i was angry. it was raining. i was wet. i was throwing stones. i was on the illegal side so that no one could find me. my phone was off. my ipod was off. my bible was open. i desperately needed something else than what i had. i desperately needed encounter with God and i stood there until the early hours of the morning looking up at the sky, waiting to hear his voice. until i started to cry, my tears mingled with the rain. pure desperation. holy anticipation. divine frustration. i heard nothing. i waited. i still heard nothing. i left as frusterated as i came.

if you're waiting for an end to this story. there really isn't one. except that God is faithful always. he is never silent, even when it seems that he is.

sometime later, i sat at my desk. i looked out my window at the darkness. i screamed out to God that there must be something more. that i desperately needed encounter. there was no answer. i cannot even describe to you the kind of desperation i felt. i wanted to throw myself off of highbridge. i wanted death or all of God. i needed fullness. i needed encounter. i needed it. i knew i had to have it, or my life was not worth living. i had tasted of the fullness of God, but that taste only left me more thirsty than when i had started.

the next morning was student chapel. the guy who spoke didn't really say anything that special, except that he was real with us. he played corey russel. the one about the harvest being plentiful but the laborers few. i dont know much else except that the spirit of the living God was poured out on us. i had one of my first visions ever. of a great waterfall flowing down over all the students from the words that read "holiness unto the lord." revival broke out on asbury college that day, and 2/3 of the students didnt leave chapel. in fact they didnt even leave for about 4 days and there was always a handful of people in hughes praying for about 2 weeks following. this was almost 2 years ago.

how desperate are we? how much do we want encounter? are we to a point were we would rather die than live another day without the fullness of God's Spirit upon us? is this heartcry to a point were it consumes nights and days? are we to a point were we cannot eat, not because we are fasting, but because food has lost its taste. are we consumed with desire for the living God? are we desperate?

this reminds me of the bay at matts landing in maurice river.

ocean dreaming

this is a pretty sweet photo i found. its a holga shot..love those.

ive been thinking a lot about the ocean. i've been dreaming about it a lot too. if i think hard enough i can almost taste the salt air, feel the waves breaking over my head, and the sand inbetween my toes. i am not homesick for jersey life so much, but i am homesick for the ocean. i miss my nightly jogs on that endless expanse of land. i miss the fog. i miss the giant waves that always come along with hurricane season. i miss the nor'easters. i miss drag-racing on stone harbor blvd. i miss it all. i was just thinking that since my summers now will basically consist of working a fulltime job that will most likely not be in jz, last summer was probably my last one spent there. sad.

radiohead

i downloaded the new radiohead cd today, "in rainbows." it is by far their best album yet, and it is simply fabulous. aparently they've been having issues with their record label, so radiohead told the label they'd sell the album themselves. the record label basically said they'd never make any money, but radiohead has made more money off this album on their own than any other record they've sold through the label. basically go to http://www.radiohead.com/ and then click on the download album link. theres boxes were you can fill in the amount you are willing to pay for the album/think its worth. they're completely serious too. its in euros so you have to click the little convert button. and im not lyin when i say its a really cool cd, totally worth it. if you'd rather pay the regular 13 or so dollars for it later, and have just about all but 3 bucks of that go to the record label you can wait about 2 weeks and it'll come out. but any money you pay for it now, goes straight to the band. blessings.

today.

This is what I feel like right now.

But this...is not what I was called to be.

artist statement

i'm trying to write an artist statement.
i hate those. why does art always have to mean something. why can't everybody just look at the images and be happy already. why can't it just be a really cool image. gosh. this is all i have so far, after hours upon hours and weeks of contemplation and journaling....basically nothing, i still dont know what i'm going to write. however, i had a revelation after sitting in solomon's today. it is very profound and encredibly moving. its the type of statement that would move even the hardest of hearts to tears...are you ready for this.

i dont know who i am
i dont know who i be
but i know this,
i find my hope in thee.

i am such a talented person.

Kothbiro

Today, my heart was broken for Africa.

Kothbiro...it's going to rain.

It's going to rain even on you.

Dark am I,
Yet Lovely.

decisions decisions

i am about to go nuts. i just realized today that my photography exhibit needs to go up in less than a month and i haven't even officially started printing them. how on earth am i going to finish printing, matting, framing, and hanging my photographs for my exhibit in less than a month? and that doesn't include designing publicity and having that printed and sent off and planning the deserts or whatever it is that im going to have at the opening and scanning the images into my computer so i can send digital images to the provost to have them approved. i began printing some of my images out 16x20 this week. some of them are look like crap, so im gonna have to arrange it so that there are some 11x14's and 16x20's. that doesn't include decisions like matte or glossy? warm tone or regular? filter or no filter? to burn or dodge? 3 or 4 inch mattes? brown or black frames? what color matte? cut my own mattes or send away for pre-cut? which images do i use, which should i forget about? if i don't want to crop the image of a 35mm print that means it needs to be 13x20, and then that means the matte and frames sizes will be off, forcing me to cut my own. aaaah.

wake up sleepy

"my eyes are onyou
wake up from the dead
wakeup sleepy, wake up.
you were made for
walking inthe light
you are morethan this."