Monday, October 29, 2007

holy desperation

once i sat on the top of kresge roof. it was dark. i was scared. it was cold. the only light that i could see was the light the cross emitted from the water tower over on the field behind the luce. i was praying. i was angry. it was raining. i was wet. i was throwing stones. i was on the illegal side so that no one could find me. my phone was off. my ipod was off. my bible was open. i desperately needed something else than what i had. i desperately needed encounter with God and i stood there until the early hours of the morning looking up at the sky, waiting to hear his voice. until i started to cry, my tears mingled with the rain. pure desperation. holy anticipation. divine frustration. i heard nothing. i waited. i still heard nothing. i left as frusterated as i came.

if you're waiting for an end to this story. there really isn't one. except that God is faithful always. he is never silent, even when it seems that he is.

sometime later, i sat at my desk. i looked out my window at the darkness. i screamed out to God that there must be something more. that i desperately needed encounter. there was no answer. i cannot even describe to you the kind of desperation i felt. i wanted to throw myself off of highbridge. i wanted death or all of God. i needed fullness. i needed encounter. i needed it. i knew i had to have it, or my life was not worth living. i had tasted of the fullness of God, but that taste only left me more thirsty than when i had started.

the next morning was student chapel. the guy who spoke didn't really say anything that special, except that he was real with us. he played corey russel. the one about the harvest being plentiful but the laborers few. i dont know much else except that the spirit of the living God was poured out on us. i had one of my first visions ever. of a great waterfall flowing down over all the students from the words that read "holiness unto the lord." revival broke out on asbury college that day, and 2/3 of the students didnt leave chapel. in fact they didnt even leave for about 4 days and there was always a handful of people in hughes praying for about 2 weeks following. this was almost 2 years ago.

how desperate are we? how much do we want encounter? are we to a point were we would rather die than live another day without the fullness of God's Spirit upon us? is this heartcry to a point were it consumes nights and days? are we to a point were we cannot eat, not because we are fasting, but because food has lost its taste. are we consumed with desire for the living God? are we desperate?

Thursday, October 25, 2007

ocean dreaming

this is a pretty sweet photo i found. its a holga shot..love those.

ive been thinking a lot about the ocean. i've been dreaming about it a lot too. if i think hard enough i can almost taste the salt air, feel the waves breaking over my head, and the sand inbetween my toes. i am not homesick for jersey life so much, but i am homesick for the ocean. i miss my nightly jogs on that endless expanse of land. i miss the fog. i miss the giant waves that always come along with hurricane season. i miss the nor'easters. i miss drag-racing on stone harbor blvd. i miss it all. i was just thinking that since my summers now will basically consist of working a fulltime job that will most likely not be in jz, last summer was probably my last one spent there. sad.

radiohead

i downloaded the new radiohead cd today, "in rainbows." it is by far their best album yet, and it is simply fabulous. aparently they've been having issues with their record label, so radiohead told the label they'd sell the album themselves. the record label basically said they'd never make any money, but radiohead has made more money off this album on their own than any other record they've sold through the label. basically go to http://www.radiohead.com/ and then click on the download album link. theres boxes were you can fill in the amount you are willing to pay for the album/think its worth. they're completely serious too. its in euros so you have to click the little convert button. and im not lyin when i say its a really cool cd, totally worth it. if you'd rather pay the regular 13 or so dollars for it later, and have just about all but 3 bucks of that go to the record label you can wait about 2 weeks and it'll come out. but any money you pay for it now, goes straight to the band. blessings.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

today.

This is what I feel like right now.
But this...is not what I was called to be.


Saturday, October 20, 2007

artist statement

i'm trying to write an artist statement.
i hate those. why does art always have to mean something. why can't everybody just look at the images and be happy already. why can't it just be a really cool image. gosh. this is all i have so far, after hours upon hours and weeks of contemplation and journaling....basically nothing, i still dont know what i'm going to write. however, i had a revelation after sitting in solomon's today. it is very profound and encredibly moving. its the type of statement that would move even the hardest of hearts to tears...are you ready for this.

i dont know who i am
i dont know who i be
but i know this,
i find my hope in thee.

i am such a talented person.

Kothbiro

Today, my heart was broken for Africa.
Kothbiro...it's going to rain.
It's going to rain even on you.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Dark am I,
Yet Lovely.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

decisions decisions

i am about to go nuts. i just realized today that my photography exhibit needs to go up in less than a month and i haven't even officially started printing them. how on earth am i going to finish printing, matting, framing, and hanging my photographs for my exhibit in less than a month? and that doesn't include designing publicity and having that printed and sent off and planning the deserts or whatever it is that im going to have at the opening and scanning the images into my computer so i can send digital images to the provost to have them approved. i began printing some of my images out 16x20 this week. some of them are look like crap, so im gonna have to arrange it so that there are some 11x14's and 16x20's. that doesn't include decisions like matte or glossy? warm tone or regular? filter or no filter? to burn or dodge? 3 or 4 inch mattes? brown or black frames? what color matte? cut my own mattes or send away for pre-cut? which images do i use, which should i forget about? if i don't want to crop the image of a 35mm print that means it needs to be 13x20, and then that means the matte and frames sizes will be off, forcing me to cut my own. aaaah.

wake up sleepy

"my eyes are onyou
wake up from the dead
wakeup sleepy, wake up.
you were made for
walking inthe light
you are morethan this."

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

profession: an occupation requiring extensive education

i am a very very bad student. how on earth did i make it this far? seriously. how am i still considered eligible for a scholarship and consistently have a decent grade point average after 4 years of skipping class, late work, no work, little if any textbook reading (if the textbook was ever purchased in the first place,) writing research papers the night before they are due without reading books on the subject, and playing spidar solitaire during lectures. i am either a very talented bs-er, or the hand of God is truely upon me by giving me revelation or bringing me favor from my professors. for real, i am a very very bad student. i just am. i admit it to myself and to the world. i do not deserve to study at an institution like asbury college and come out above water for the amount of effort i put into studying for and caring about my classes. i just cant help it. i dont care about school. i never really did. ive tried to care, but i never really have cared. honestly, i often sit in my classrooms wondering why on earth i am there.

it all just comes down to this one little factor. God wants me here. i still dont know entirely why. but i knew he called me to this place the moment i stood in hughes chapel. i was standing there with this really annoying preppy asbury grad and my parents. this guy was going on and on about how great asbury was and how it takes a certain type of person to go there. i just remember looking at this guy and thinking "dude, just be real" and "if everyone who goes to asbury is this fake, i don't want to go here." but then there was that moment he showed us hughes. i walked in and felt this tug at my heart and i just started to cry. i don't know where it came from, but i did. and i knew i was supposed to be here. my dad wanted me to go somewhere else because the people who took us around the other college campuses were so much more honest and down to earth. i thought the same thing. asbury people seemed like ones who were in religious bondage, having the appearance of godliness but denying its power. (2 tim). i would rather be with people who completely denied God, than accepted him, halfheartedly. but alas. i am here. and i now am plagued with this broken heart for the complacent.

i keep reminding myself of the words God spoke to me the first night in august that i was back in wilmore. i was so frusterated then, because i felt like i was the only person in wilmore that had this burden for prayer and desiring his fullness. "i have not put you here for a profession, amy." these words penetrated my heart and i was reminded again that i am really just this little person of no real significance, apart from the identity placed upon me by the Holy one. i've been called to intercede for my entire generation. to live for tomorrow in today. to be radical, seek wholeness, and embrace the power of Christ in me. where this will lead me, who knows. but thats who i am. and right now i've been divinely positioned in wilmore to intercede for asbury. in two months, this may change.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Spirit.

When you hideyourface, they are dismayed; when you takeaway their breath, they die and return to their dust. When you sendforthyour Spirit, they arecreated, and you renewtheface of the ground.


Where is the life?
I am supposed to be alive.
I need to be filled anew with the life of God.
I need God to breathe over me.
To rain upon me afresh.
To motivate me.
To bless me with his name.
I feel dead.
Where is the life?
Where oh Holy Spirit is the life?

Monday, October 15, 2007

Mental Processes

Mental Processes.
It can be concluded that when one lives by themselves, one may find they often contemplate life to the point of mind explosion. This, I have found, is not neccesarily because of boredom, privation of mind stimulation, depression, or even limited social interaction, but is often do in fact to the absense of a human presence in the place of habitation. Often, instead of voicing ones thoughts to a lack of roomate, one will resist the urge to speak aloud in fear of sounding insane, instead thinking internally for hours; their thoughts swirling around in the brain without cease like a hurricane without an eye. Really, this is a form of denial, because if one refuses to speak aloud in an empty room in order to avoid sounding insane, they have proven themselves more insane by caring what the no body in the room thinks in the first place.

Following are a few of my mental patterns and processes today...

1. If I had to choose between a house infested with spiders and a dorm room infested with noise all hours of the day and night, i would choose the noise, because although spiders are silent, they are disgusting and some are even deadly and noise is not deadly, at least not to my knowledge.

2. Often I think I should have done a lot of things differently. If I could do my life all over again knowing the things I know now, I would have a. Purchased a mac instead of a dell. b. Taken only the classes that I needed at my community college to avoid the wasted money on the 30 some elective credits which I now possess. c. Realized it wasnt all about me. f. Wouldn't have stopped praying for 3 years because someone told me that God predestines everyone and everything and prayer does nothing to change anything.

3. Maybe I should wash the dishes.

4. Azure Ray is utterly and perfectly one of the best musicians to listen to when one wishes to paint. Coming secondly only maybe to Kaki King, Explosions in the Sky, Iron and Wine, Sufjan Stevens, Saxon Shore, Sigur Ros, or Mogwai. However, this is debateable, my mind being entirely and completely susceptible to change on this matter.

Number One

i feel like i need to say something incredibly whitty and enlightening here. but nothing comes to mind. what, oh what, am i doing with my life.