broken.

sometimes for a split second i think i am strong. that i've got life figured out and can walk on my own. and then God reminds me of 50 other areas that i need to work on, that i've completely screwed up. and then i am broken at his feet again. overwhelmed by how horrible i am, and how holy he is. but he is gracious. he is wonderful. he is a gentleman. he answers when i ask. when i say "be real with me, be rough, be mean for once and tell me what i'm doing wrong" he does. he shows me. because then i always screw up big. i fall hard. and he's right there to pick me up. and he's always kind. he is always so freaking kind to me. he is never not kind. he is faithful. and i am a coward. i am a harlot wife. of all sinners, i am the worse. i am dark. yet, he still calls me lovely. i am so self centered. he denied himself. i am so cruel. he is so sweet. i am so fickle. he is steady and always strong. what the hell? why did he give up his throne in heaven to be with someone like me? why can't i accept it already and move on with life. why can't he be my primary focus, my dream, my aspiration, greatest hope and joy. why am i so distracted. will i ever be fully who he created me to be? when does this end. when will i know and understand the fullness of his love. when will i be empowered from on high. when will i stop believing the lies and start believing what you have said. when? for real, God. when?