mary

so ive struggled a lot with why im still here. there really isnt a good enough reason for the world. im not working a great full-time job that would keep me here. i havent applied to seminary. i havent applied to grad-school at uk. yes i work a part-time job in lexington that requires me to spend astronomical money in gas every week. no im not moving to lexington to be closer to that part time job that i am beginning to loathe. yes i have to start paying back loans in the fall. no i have no idea how thats going to happen. so why am i still here? ive gotten tired of answering, really. no answer is good enough, it just doesn't make sense. but through the eyes of the world jesus doesnt make sense, and if im living for jesus, then why ever should i expect my life to make sense to anyone else? why should i even care? the more i sit in the counsel of the lord, soaking in his beauty and truth and love, the more my heart is molded into his. and quite honestly the more weird i become and the more okay-with-it i get. i cant help it. and so ive been hesitant to answer anyone anything about my future. because i just dont know, and usually answering "i dont know, i just love jesus" isnt satisfying enough. but the more i focus on him, the more satisfied i get with just being with jesus. why would i ever want anything else? why would i fight against the martha mentality of the world, when i already know im a mary? i dont want to be martha. im not martha. im mary. im going to waste my life on jesus. im going to deny anything and everything the world might throw at me and live only for him. and so with all this in mind, i walk into the prayer room last night at about 8pm. the presence of the lord was so tangible. i could almost taste it, it was so thick. and there was this beautiful young girl ive never met before that introduced herself to me and another friend in the room. i knew instantly that the lord wanted me to pray with her, but i waited. she asked me if i went to the seminary. a question i get asked a lot for some reason. anyhow, i told her i just graduated from the college and in response, the other friend in the room asked exclaimed "really!? you graduated!? what are you still doing here!?" i didnt know how to respond. which answer should i give? the simple one: "i dont know," or the many more complex ones "i want to start doing wedding photography and wilmore's kind of a good place for that, considering people get married like every day, or im going to apply to seminary, or im going to grad school at uk for photography.." (the list goes on) instead though i didnt have to answer. the girl exclaimed, "she's praying!" i literally thought i was going to fall on the floor, i was so blown over by the power of jesus in her words. he spoke directly to my heart breaking away all the chains, the lies, restoring me, instructing me, encouraging me, speaking tenderly "its okay that you're still here, i want you here, you're my mary in a martha-world, you're praying." the beauty of the lord never fails to blow me over. every single day... no every single hour, he reveals a new part of himself to me that leaves me breathless.