longing

a new kind of longing
a new kind of lonely
or maybe its not,
maybe its the same as before
maybe i just didnt know what it was
but its deeper
and it hurts more
this seperation from my maker
from my savior
everyday i live on this earth
the seperation just hurts more
and im misurable without him.

mary

so ive struggled a lot with why im still here. there really isnt a good enough reason for the world. im not working a great full-time job that would keep me here. i havent applied to seminary. i havent applied to grad-school at uk. yes i work a part-time job in lexington that requires me to spend astronomical money in gas every week. no im not moving to lexington to be closer to that part time job that i am beginning to loathe. yes i have to start paying back loans in the fall. no i have no idea how thats going to happen. so why am i still here? ive gotten tired of answering, really. no answer is good enough, it just doesn't make sense. but through the eyes of the world jesus doesnt make sense, and if im living for jesus, then why ever should i expect my life to make sense to anyone else? why should i even care? the more i sit in the counsel of the lord, soaking in his beauty and truth and love, the more my heart is molded into his. and quite honestly the more weird i become and the more okay-with-it i get. i cant help it. and so ive been hesitant to answer anyone anything about my future. because i just dont know, and usually answering "i dont know, i just love jesus" isnt satisfying enough. but the more i focus on him, the more satisfied i get with just being with jesus. why would i ever want anything else? why would i fight against the martha mentality of the world, when i already know im a mary? i dont want to be martha. im not martha. im mary. im going to waste my life on jesus. im going to deny anything and everything the world might throw at me and live only for him. and so with all this in mind, i walk into the prayer room last night at about 8pm. the presence of the lord was so tangible. i could almost taste it, it was so thick. and there was this beautiful young girl ive never met before that introduced herself to me and another friend in the room. i knew instantly that the lord wanted me to pray with her, but i waited. she asked me if i went to the seminary. a question i get asked a lot for some reason. anyhow, i told her i just graduated from the college and in response, the other friend in the room asked exclaimed "really!? you graduated!? what are you still doing here!?" i didnt know how to respond. which answer should i give? the simple one: "i dont know," or the many more complex ones "i want to start doing wedding photography and wilmore's kind of a good place for that, considering people get married like every day, or im going to apply to seminary, or im going to grad school at uk for photography.." (the list goes on) instead though i didnt have to answer. the girl exclaimed, "she's praying!" i literally thought i was going to fall on the floor, i was so blown over by the power of jesus in her words. he spoke directly to my heart breaking away all the chains, the lies, restoring me, instructing me, encouraging me, speaking tenderly "its okay that you're still here, i want you here, you're my mary in a martha-world, you're praying." the beauty of the lord never fails to blow me over. every single day... no every single hour, he reveals a new part of himself to me that leaves me breathless.

saturday 3:33pm

i must go deeper.
i crave it.
i will die if i do not know you.
if i do not know your love,
if i do not hear your voice,
and behold your beautiful face,
i will die, Lord.
my heart is broken,
constantly it weeps,
because i am seperate from you.
and so your words,
"can the wedding guests mourn
as long as the bridegroom is with them?
the days will come
when the bridegroom is taken away from them,
and then they will fast."
my heart mourns,
my spirit faints,
my soul is thirsty,
for i do not know you.
i must know you.

...for you...

" for you i'll sing and dance
rejoice in this divine romance
lift my heart and my hands
to show my love. "

"I want a tall nonfat cafe mocha and a chocolate chip cookie," the young lady at the register politely requested. I took a tall cup and began marking the order. "Oh, and I want that iced," she added. It was just like any other moment at starbucks. I was just as frusterated to be working this day as any other, after all who wants to work for a company with world domination as its major concern, selling coffee that is way overpriced? Word on the street is they pay coffee bean farmers way more than other companies, resulting in higher priced coffee. Which is partially true, they do pay the farmer more, but not nearly enough more to justify their high prices. As she asked this, I was almost entirely mechanical in my answer. "Sure," I said. My thoughts however were far from this reality. Instead I thought,"Is there no justice? The world condemns me with the rest. To them, I am to be judged as they, they don't understand the grace of God. They don't understand that things are different for me, and can be different for them. The world is consumed with money, selfindulgence, and power. Is there no justice? Are we not bought and paid for? Why then do we live like this?" I really cannot explain to you entirely what this thought process was about. It was just there. That's what I was thinking, take it or leave it...I have no idea why, nor do i entirely understand to what line of thought it was related too. "Do you still what the whip cream on that?" I asked. Barely had the words left my mouth, when another voice broke in, through all my confused, frusterated thoughts, my clouded, imperfect, critical mind. "Their justice is not like mine. I AM the Righteous Judge," it said. If you can picture "I am the righteous judge" being said with the utmost authority and surity, then do, because that's how it was said. It killed me. I nearly fell over. I started shaking right there in front of register 2. I knew instantly what He meant. I knew instantly that he answered my mental question that I had never asked. I started to cry, the tears welled up and I choked them back, and soaked in the spoken word of my Father. The truth. That HE is my righteous judge, that I am no longer condemned by the world, that whatever it throws at me, though it even might kill my body, it will never kill my spirit. Because HE IS the righteous judge of the universe. And He's for me, who can be against me? And he loves me, who can hate me? And all the wealth of the universe is at my fingertips. And all the fullness of the Holy Spirit is mine to grasp. And all His presence is there before me, because the curtain is no more. And He's not there with a rod to hit me over the head, He's there with open loving arms to take me up. He is my righteous judge. And guess what universe. Guess what world. Guess what demons. Guess what Satan. Guess what myriads of Angels and beasts worshiping before the throne. I'm righteous. I'm Holy. I'm His, and His alone. There is NO condemnation for me. And I can rest fully confident of this reality. Fully assured of my salvation. "No." she answered. I coughed out an "okay, that'll be ready for you down at the end of the bar in just a few minutes," and I went to the pastry case to get her cookie.

my jesus

i love him more than life itself.
everything is falling apart, but he
he is utterly beautiful.
he is my constant, he is my peace
oh god, how i love him.

random

lately, i've had no inspiration.
i cannot write, and i cannot photograph,
quite the same as i have been able to in the past.
its strange.

today

i dont know what my deal is with chains, but i find myself photographing them all the time.
today, jesus stirred my heart. he is utterly beautiful.

oh i forgot a picture with the last post.

the broomsman and the brit

it was a beautiful spring day (i guess? really? is spring here?) as i walked around shakertown, after begrudgingly paying $7 to go in buildings and photograph them. the woman at the desk ignored my request to pay only $5 dollars, being an asbury student (sort of) and having been to shakertown multiple times to photograph it the last 3-some years of my college life. she clearly recognized me, and ignored again my comment stating i didnt need a map, or a page of events, or an explanation of shaker-heritage (again, what was this? maybe say, oh, my 40th time being there, within the last 3 years???) so i took the map, stood at the desk for another 10 minutes while she circled all the buildings that were open and kept handing me the sleeve of events, after i kept putting it back in the pile. (this happening more than 3 times) it was quite comic really. so i finally left the building, shoved the sticker pass in my pocket and walked over to the first, and largest building. after photographing it quite extensively, i moved on to another building...finding that the majority of the buildings were only open to "lodging guests only" i was again infuriated at the fact that i had to pay $7. finally i came to the broom-making-building, and a man approached me -maybe 40-some-odd-years-old. he began explaining the broom-making process to me, again after i explained that i was a college student, who had visited various times only to photograph the village...and hinting that i didnt really want to hear the whole speel (sp?) again. though the man was quite persistent i finally gave in and just listened to him. however, the conversation got interesting when he began talking about his friend, a brit, (from brittian) who made a living hiking trails all around europe and journaling about his experience, then selling them to tourism magazines/agencies. it was quite the story. but i have to go to work, so ill tell more about the broomsman and the brit later.

all good things come to an end

all good things come to an end

and so i took my pictures off the wall

and put them in a box,

accidentally knocking over a glass of brushes

but somehow, it seemed fitting

and i made myself a cup of tea

and put on some azure ray

and as it droned softly in the background

i realized all good things come to an end

and i suppose all new things have a beginning

and so ill say goodbye to the place i once called home.

hedge me in

i go forward and

i go backward and

i find that im surrounded and

you hedge me in

with thorns all around me

the fragrance of love

the fragrance of jealousy

where can i go

where can i hide

where can i run from you?

where can i go to hide from your love?

i dont know where im going.

waiting for the rain

so i just had to add this picture of little wilmore. this is what happens to linden dr. when it rains a lot. usually theres more water pouring out -to the point where you can't really read the words on the sign. its just a physical display of the spiritual atmosphere thats going to be a reality here pretty soon. we wait with great expectation. we're anticipating a great awakening, a holy refinement, a greater annointing, an overflow of his spirit sent to us. let us know; let us press on to know the lord; his going out is sure as the dawn; he will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that water the earth."

"god send your desperation, we wait eagerly for the rain."

awake, awake, put on strength, o wilmore

put on your beautiful garments,

for there shall no more come into you the uncircumcised and the unclean

shake yourself from the dust and arise; be seated, o wilmore

loose the bonds from your neck,

o captive daughter wilmore

how beautiful upon the mountains

are the feet of him who brings good news,

who publishes peace, who brings good news of happiness,

who publishes salvation, who says to wimore, "your God reigns"

the voice of your watchmen O asbury -they life up their voice;

together they sing for joy;

for eye to eye they see

the return of the Lord to wilmore.

two.twentyfive

"God break these chains of complacency."

o for the beauty of the lord.

i'm just nameless, and faceless, one who stands in the gap, who is like a channel for the Lord to work through, to release his kingdom into the earth. and what a beautiful release! what a beautiful thing for the lord to take someone like me, and make me into one who stands in the very counsel of the living God, who is able to see him, touch him, hear him, and drink deeply of him. its beautiful, just simply beautiful. he's beautiful.

just simply, beautiful.

time

time is ticking by, what are you going to do with that time?

the bridegroom is coming, are you ready to meet him?

will you even recognize him?

this is probably my favorite photograph i have taken thus far, the beauty of a simple raindrop is astonishing.

dance... dance before the lord.

february eleven, two thousand eight.

its interesting how God often takes you from one extreme to another. i was thinking earlier about how i believed for a few years way back when that prayer didn't matter, that it doesn't change things, isn't important, and shouldn't ever be practiced. now he's got me believing that im a priest who ministers with him to the Father, whose pure and lovely, and whose cries for mercy are answered instantly. if you had asked me 8 or so years ago if i believed that my prayers shift the heavens, bind demons, and mobilize angels, i would have laughed in your face. hah, well look at me now...im an intercessor crazy. as in, if you tell me my prayers don't instantly shift the heavens and that im not a priest who stands beside christ in intercession to the father, i will laugh in your face...and then pray for you of course. God surely looks out for his own. and he's so faithful. always faithful.

Abide in me, and I in you.

As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the

vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.

Jn. fifteen: four.

"abide" wilmore, ky.

...in the whirlwind.

And behold the word of the Lord came to him, and he said to him, "what are you doing here, Elijah?" He said, "I have been very jealous for the Lord, the God of hosts. For the people of Israel have forsake your covenant, thrown down your altars, and killed your prophets with the sword, and I, even I only, am left, and they seek my life, so take it away." And he said, "Go out and stand on the mount before the Lord." And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong whirlwind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind, an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper. And when Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. And behold there came a voice to him and it said, "What are you doing here, Elijah?" ...

...the last few weeks have been filled with words, verses, music, phrases...I've been looking for the fire, the rain, getting caught up in the whirlwind, the earthquake...my mind is unable to shut off, worship pours out of my mouth at all times, but even in this i cannot quiet my heart. my time in ahop is filled with music, good music, music that causes my heart to soar and makes me want to get up and dance. i pray continually, desire for him is continually on my lips. but even though these things appear to be good, have i given him a chance to respond?

Hosea 2:20
I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the LORD.
"In that day I will respond," declares the LORD—"I will respond to the skies, and they will respond to the earth; and the earth will respond to the grain, the new wine and oil, and they will respond to Jezreel...

...have i taken the time to just STOP the music, the words, the sounds, the prayers, the heart-racing, and pacing...and acknowledge him? its so easy for me to go on and on about how i want the fire, the whirlwind, the passion, the desire and never stop and realize that hes already mine, he's already here, all i have to do is acknowledge him...and most likely he's not going to catch me up in a whirlwind, in firestorm, or shake the walls of ahop in a supernatural earthquake. yeah, that'd be great...and one day it'll happen...but im not going to sit around and wait for an encounter like that when i can have the greatest encounter of all just sitting at his feet and listening for him in the silence, waiting for that low whisper to come that will cause to me to tremble and cover my face as it says to me "What are you doing here, Amy?"

"It's our Glory to search him out. And those who seek will find."

be still my soul

lately, ive been learning a lot about silence & solitude...i've been learning that i'm not very obediant, and i'm more likely to not follow God in what he calls me to. i don't want to be offended by him, i want to know his heart and i want my vision to be aligned with his. i want to be pure and i want to call out to him and have him reveal things to me that i do not know (jer. 33:3). im learning that i can be around a crowd of people and still feel alone unless i am spending the time i need in intimacy with the Father. so ive been trying out this whole silence/solitude thing. its been so good. its good to take the pillow out from in front of Jesus' face and silence myself before him, seperating myself from the world and listen to his voice for a change. its good to stand in his counsel. its good to know him. its good to seek him. for he'll be found by those who seek him. i love who he is. i love being silent and alone with him.

"Be still my soul and know he is God."

For God alone my soul waits in silence.

garden

you hedge me in.
with skin.
all around me.
i am a garden enclosed
a locked garden.

well its you and me alone, God.
you and me alone.
so come into your garden.

im no longer my own.
im your garden.
i dont wanna waste my life living on the outside
im gonna live from the inside out. (misty e.)

this is your inheritance, this is my justice.

in pursuit of the holy
the only thing that matters
the veil is torn
the gates lift up their heads
a sound rumbles forth
declaring a holy visitation
divine declaration
humble resignation
of who i am
of who you are
approach steadily the throne of grace
the fire burns with unsurpassable greatness
here is the altar
here is the oil
welcome
approach boldly the throne of grace
stand steadily beside me lifting intercession
this is your inheritance
this is my justice
here in my outstretched hand
claim it beloved
claim that which i bought
the blood on your hands
the blood of the nations
covered by the blood of the lamb
your sins
for my holy sinless broken body
the spirit of adoption
broken forth
you cannot be disinherited
you cannot be disowned
i will not relent
do not relent
in pursuit of the holy
this is your inheritance
this is my justice

christmas

its been a crazy fun blessed family filled christmas day spent with my parents and 5 siblings. i learned a lot. i learned my 11 year old sister is crazy funny and spits out one-liners like its her job. i learned it is entirely possible to put together a 1000 some piece castle thats 2 feet tall in under two hours, my 16 year old sister should be an engineer shes so darn good and designing stuff. and i also just learned that my little 14 year old sister likes screamo-type music. shes amazing. shes so hardcore. i basically want to be her when i grow up. yeah. the end.

oh, and merry christmas.

thoughts on christmas eve

a few weeks back it was 75 degrees in kentucky.

i had a little outing with myself, photographing.

the small river that had been a dry bed all summer was now full

and overflowing its banks because of all the rain we've had.

i was pondering the verse: Isaiah 11:1 (and those following)

"a shoot will come up from the stump of Jesse; from his roots a Branch will bear fruit"

i forget now why i was contemplating this verse, but when i looked closely to the ground

i saw this. it was most beautiful.

here is that river bed that was completely dry all summer long.

and this is what i saw when i looked up.

that shoot came up from the stump of jesse...his name was Jesus.

A shoot will come up from the stump of Jesse; from his roots a Branch will bear fruit.
The Spirit of the LORD will rest on him, the Spirit of wisdom and of understanding, the Spirit of counsel and of power, the Spirit of knowledge and of the fear of the LORD and he will delight in the fear of the LORD. He will not judge by what he sees with his eyes, or decide by what he hears with his ears; but with righteousness he will judge the needy, with justice he will give decisions for the poor of the earth. He will strike the earth with the rod of his mouth; with the breath of his lips he will slay the wicked. Righteousness will be his belt and faithfulness the sash around his waist. Isaiah 11:1-5

read the rest of this chapter. its good.

love.

your love captures my heart. your jealousy amazes me.

it leaves me breathless, yearning for more.

your love is patient.

your love is kind. it ruins me every time.

what can i say to you?

what can i say to you, the one my heart loves?

how do i chase after you. how can i stop chasing after you? you place a crown of pure gold upon my head then you command your loving kindness to chase me down

so i am holding on to love that i cannot see,

but i believe.

its real love. and its somehow got a hold of me.

i don't know what to do with myself. i cannot stop thinking about you.

you somehow got a hold of me.

im ruined. im ruined because of you.

fear

perfect love casts out all fear.

a lot of us are afraid because we don't know the love of our father.

we're afraid of man, because we haven't been gripped

with the reality that man can do nothing to us.

because we haven't been gripped with the reality of

God's perfect love for us.

because we haven't been gripped with reality.

grip us God, with reality.

with the reality of who you are.

of who we are.

in you.

twelve.seventeen.seven.

when i walked by my kitchen a few minutes ago,

i saw a canvas i am working on leaning against the wall where some flowers sit.

the colours are something like this. i am pretty much a fan of these colours.

these are the flowers i am talking about.

they are sitting on my counter right now. except they're
dying a little bit. i think they're more wonderful crumpled and falling
apart now then when i first got them.