holy desperation

once i sat on the top of kresge roof. it was dark. i was scared. it was cold. the only light that i could see was the light the cross emitted from the water tower over on the field behind the luce. i was praying. i was angry. it was raining. i was wet. i was throwing stones. i was on the illegal side so that no one could find me. my phone was off. my ipod was off. my bible was open. i desperately needed something else than what i had. i desperately needed encounter with God and i stood there until the early hours of the morning looking up at the sky, waiting to hear his voice. until i started to cry, my tears mingled with the rain. pure desperation. holy anticipation. divine frustration. i heard nothing. i waited. i still heard nothing. i left as frusterated as i came.

if you're waiting for an end to this story. there really isn't one. except that God is faithful always. he is never silent, even when it seems that he is.

sometime later, i sat at my desk. i looked out my window at the darkness. i screamed out to God that there must be something more. that i desperately needed encounter. there was no answer. i cannot even describe to you the kind of desperation i felt. i wanted to throw myself off of highbridge. i wanted death or all of God. i needed fullness. i needed encounter. i needed it. i knew i had to have it, or my life was not worth living. i had tasted of the fullness of God, but that taste only left me more thirsty than when i had started.

the next morning was student chapel. the guy who spoke didn't really say anything that special, except that he was real with us. he played corey russel. the one about the harvest being plentiful but the laborers few. i dont know much else except that the spirit of the living God was poured out on us. i had one of my first visions ever. of a great waterfall flowing down over all the students from the words that read "holiness unto the lord." revival broke out on asbury college that day, and 2/3 of the students didnt leave chapel. in fact they didnt even leave for about 4 days and there was always a handful of people in hughes praying for about 2 weeks following. this was almost 2 years ago.

how desperate are we? how much do we want encounter? are we to a point were we would rather die than live another day without the fullness of God's Spirit upon us? is this heartcry to a point were it consumes nights and days? are we to a point were we cannot eat, not because we are fasting, but because food has lost its taste. are we consumed with desire for the living God? are we desperate?