oh for the beauty of the lord

in kindness you called me in love you allured me in compassion you rescued me in joy you delight in me in peace you calmed me in grace you saved me in prayer you interceed for me in love i chase after you in hope i reach up to you in joy i delight in you in salvation i come to you in prayer i am pulled after you the deep parts of me are burdened after the deep parts of you i am sick with love. father. love. instructor. king. wisdom. spirit. husband.

ruach

sometimes i find myself in a place that inspires me to create. my heart begins to beat a little faster, my breath quickens. my mind expands and the small insignificant thoughts buzzing around in my head fade. a deep cry within me is stirred and my hands itch to somehow recreate what my eyes and mind are processing. my soul shutters within me and a voice awakens that whispers back, "i love you too, lord." a pressure falls upon my heart threatening to break it. suddenly i see the big picture and my tiny significant insignificance in it. i see a flame burning brightly before me, offering justice, mercy, grace, joy, hope, love... i reach to take hold of the torch and hear a silent voice, "divine rights." what does that mean? what are divine rights anyway? did i really hear that, it doesn't make sense. "you have divine rights, claim my justice." the voice silently breathes again. suddenly the life comes, as his ruach is breathed into me, renewing mind, body, soul, spirit. dividing all with an invisible double edged sword. cutting bone from marrow spirit from soul. my mind clears. i see who i am. i create. it is beautiful.


surely the word of the holy one is living and active. sharper than any double-edged sword. when he speaks it penetrates. it divides. it creates. it destroys. it penetrates even to dividing soul from spirit, joint from marrow. it judges the thoughts and meditations of the heart. nothing in all creation is hidden from his sight. everything is uncovered and laid bare before his sight to whom we will give account. hebrew four.

broken.

sometimes for a split second i think i am strong. that i've got life figured out and can walk on my own. and then God reminds me of 50 other areas that i need to work on, that i've completely screwed up. and then i am broken at his feet again. overwhelmed by how horrible i am, and how holy he is. but he is gracious. he is wonderful. he is a gentleman. he answers when i ask. when i say "be real with me, be rough, be mean for once and tell me what i'm doing wrong" he does. he shows me. because then i always screw up big. i fall hard. and he's right there to pick me up. and he's always kind. he is always so freaking kind to me. he is never not kind. he is faithful. and i am a coward. i am a harlot wife. of all sinners, i am the worse. i am dark. yet, he still calls me lovely. i am so self centered. he denied himself. i am so cruel. he is so sweet. i am so fickle. he is steady and always strong. what the hell? why did he give up his throne in heaven to be with someone like me? why can't i accept it already and move on with life. why can't he be my primary focus, my dream, my aspiration, greatest hope and joy. why am i so distracted. will i ever be fully who he created me to be? when does this end. when will i know and understand the fullness of his love. when will i be empowered from on high. when will i stop believing the lies and start believing what you have said. when? for real, God. when?

not just a beggar on the streets.

i want to meet this man.

we'll wait and see...

ever witness something that inspires you to create? a song? a movie? a photograph? a conversation? ever hear one word that awoke something so deep inside of you that you forgot it was even there? i heard it said that you don't know where you're going, until you know where you've been. i think thats true. maybe. i once knew this girl. i think she's been afraid the majority of her life. she had to be strong, because the people that were supposed to be strong around her during the storm, weren't. she had to pretend she wasn't afraid in order to show them hope. when really, she never knew that hope was entirely there in the first place. she became a great liar. she mastered the art. all the while no one knew. they still don't. she didn't even know. until now. sometimes i think this girl is a hopeless wreck. sometimes i think shes going to take the world by storm. we'll just have to see.

who is blind...

something i found somewhere that i liked for today.

i hate spiritual pride. i hate spiritual competition. i hate it when i hear someone say that so and so doesn't have the gift of tongues so they must not be annointed. i hate it when someone criticizes someone else based on their prayer that maybe wasn't eloquent enouh. i hate when someone claims the name "christian" but denies its power. i hate self-promotion. i hate the "God has given me a word of wisdom and i am more empowered than you" mentality. For was it not God who foretold all things from the beginning? Is it not he who teaches us how to pray? How then can we take the words and claim them as our own, if it was he who spoke them from the beginning? ((Who told of this from the beginning, so we could know, or beforehand, so we could say 'He was right'? No one told of this, no one fortold it, no one heard any words from you. I was the first to tell Zion 'look, here they are!' I gave Jerusalem a messenger of good tidings." Isa. 41:26)) i hate it when people come up to me and tell me what spiritual gifts i have and that i should pursue them, as if spiritual gifts somehow exist as a seperate entity apart from the Father? If I am pursuing God wholeheartedly will not all these other things fall into place? What if I get in this place where someone tells me that i am to be a teacher, or a prophet, or an evangelist, or a intercessor, and i strive and strive after all these things...will I get anywhere? Won't I soon be right back to square one- weary, complacent, and more in need than ever to get back into the heart of God? YES! ((Who is blind but my servant, and deaf like the messenger I send? Who is blind like the one committed to me, blind like the servant of the Lord? Isa 42)) i hate pride. i hate it. i hate people today. i hate them all.

i think i need to get away from this place. i think i need to get away from all people. i think i need to move into a new season of fasting and prayer. i think i need to lock myself in a closet and pray for a new annointing. i think i need to be ruined again. i think i need to be destroyed again. i think i need to pray for more blindness. i think its time to move into this inside-outside upside-down kingdom. i think its time to do things differently, and take the back door instead of the front. i think its time to take the earth by storm. i think its time i start screaming "wake up sleepy" instead of just thinking it. i think its time to let my heart be moved in my chest cavity as a reflection of the desperation in my soul. i think its time to move into a new realm. i think i need newness. i think we all need newness. i think its time to get away from spiritual bondage. i think its time to be broken. i think its time to move. i think its time to be moved.